The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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