Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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