on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
