these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
