On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
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Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
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Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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