So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
