i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
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And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.