Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
