Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize