Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
