I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
