Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
