I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
