i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
