I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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