I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
But break dance skills will only take you so far
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
