i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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