I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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