my phone needs a breathalizer
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
