this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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