So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
