Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
