so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
