I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
