He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
