i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Randomize
