Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
