he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Well I just put wine in my tea
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
