So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
