I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
