I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
