the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
