The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
