Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
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and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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