White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
