I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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