I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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