I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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