just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
