When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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