He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
