I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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