I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
