It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
