Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
