Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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