hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
