i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
