Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
