I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
