omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
