nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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