the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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