I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
