tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
