I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
