he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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