According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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