Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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